Lessons In Love

Writing Prompt: My first love taught me ________.

When I first pulled this card, I felt it in my gut.

the hesitation,

the tightness in my chest. the apprehension.

I didn’t want to go there. I wasn’t ready to write about it. wanted to put the card pull back. why do i want to revisit that love. the first one. it cracked something open in me that took years to understand, let alone heal from, maybe i’m still doing so. but i have satbwithbitnofyem, i have reflected many times over so today I actually sat down and let the words come.

there’s truth in the pain, yes, and also softness in the lesson. there is grace in the aftermath. and honestly, in hindsight, that experience taught me more about unconditional love than loss.

So here it is.

If you’d asked me this 22 years ago, I probably would’ve said something like: Love is pain. trusting people only ends in heartbreak. or, keep your guard up, always. being vulnerable will only get you hurt.

perhaps then I would’ve said that first love taught me to be quiet. to swallow my feelings. that chaos and confusion were normal. that I had to earn love by shrinking myself and tolerating things that made me feel small. I was convinced that the lesson was to protect my heart at all costs, even if that meant closing it off completely. to any and everyone thereafter.

But time has a way of softening the sharpest edges.

Healing isn't linear, and mine sure wasn’t. I had to fall apart, rebuild, get it wrong, fall in love again, lose it, and then choose to keep growing through it all.

Looking back now, I see it all differently. my first love and relationship didn’t break me, it woke me up. the stories I told myself back then were built on fear, survival, and a warped understanding of love. but, the truth? the real lesson was never about staying guarded. It was about learning how to open up again. with wisdom this time, not fear. to live myself enough that any love i gave away was theirs to keep and didn’t change my heart moving forward.

my love has always been enough. my heart, my emotions, my softness, my depth, they aren’t flaws. They are my gifts. i share them now where i feel safe, where i feel my heart is honored, and love is reciprocated. selective but not afraid.

that first love taught me a lot, not just about relationships but about myself. I don’t regret it, in fact I look back with gratitude for the experience. and any experience after. I smile at some memories mourn some losses of myself during that time but, I’m grateful. I don’t carry anger around it or bitterness. I’ve found compassion for others, and for the version of me who didn’t know any better. Because we’re all just trying to heal, in our own messy ways.

snips of what that experience left me with:

1. Love can expand you if you let it but it’s okay to walk away when something no longer serves your peace.

2. You don’t have to carry what isn’t yours. Let people hold their own weight.

3. You can love deeply and still choose yourself. That’s not failure that’s growth.

4. New beginnings are sacred. You get to start over, whenever you need to.

5. Forgiveness is freedom. And it's mostly for you.

6. Feeling fully is a strength, not a weakness.

   
   

Over the years, I’ve continued to unlearn the beliefs I picked up from that chapter of my life. I've changed my relationship with change itself. Where I used to fear it (cling to the familiar even when it hurt) I now welcome it. Because change, I’ve learned, is how we grow into the version of ourselves we were always meant to become.

And most of all, I’ve learned that every connection serves a purpose. Even the ones that hurt. Even the ones that don’t last. and the ones that last a lifetime. Every person we encounter teaches us something about ourselves, about love, about what we’re willing to accept and what we’re ready to let go of. I have so much gratitude for that.

So if your heart’s been broken, know this: sometimes it breaks just so the light can finally escape. We are not meant to stay hidden in the dark.

Let it break you open.

Let it grow you.

Let it teach you to love again but better this time.

Starting with yourself.

with love and honest intentions,

Han